My last review as a dancer DanceNow NY 2005

A Matter of History - or, What Were My Chances... by Mickey Angel Estefan Jr (Notes) on Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 12:35pm

Anyone who knows me very well, or has been close to me since childhood, will know that I am a Titanic Fanatic.  And the fact that the centennial of its foundering is coming up in 2 weeks (4/14/12) makes me wish for once I had cable to watch all the specials.

Anyway, this obsession of mine made me think about my passion for history in general and today as my mind went off into a self dialogue as it usually does in moments of no distractions (because my brain doesn't ever stop) I was thinking about two additional historic events that touched me at a very young age: the Holocaust and slavery as presented in the TV mini-series Roots.  These three historical events for me enlightened me at a young age to the idea of chance vs determinism - although of course I didn't have the vocabulary or concepts yet to express it or understand it.  I just had an 8 or 9 year old's notion of "Whew, I was sure lucky I was born where and when i was." 

The Titanic's foundering was full of factors that if just one of those was different, the boat wouldn't have sunk:  If they were going slower to have had time to veer from the berg; if they had hit it head-on instead of side swiping it and having the berg rip into over 6 bulk head compartments; if only 4 or 5 of the water tight compartments had taken water; if there had been a moon that night or choppier seas they could have seen the berg sooner; if they had enough Damn life boats......So many "if"'s that could have changed history 100 years ago.  But then there were two social human factors that worsened or improved your odds: your gender and your class.  And that is what really made me realize as a young kid that right at birth already there was a huge part of your life determined right then and there. 

This isn't an empirically tested number but just for visualization I am going to say that 99% of who are and will be is not up to you.  At birth already there are the biological chances that you cannot control: your gender, your body genetics, and your orientation (although this is still debated I consider myself living proof).  Then there are the social factors you are born into that also you have no control over regardless of how much your parents may or may not try to plan for:  you have no say to what time period you are born into and whatever social, political or technological advances exist at that time; who your parents and family are; and your nationality, wealth, social status, and religion.  So then, what room is there for us to create any semblance of independent identity.  Your genetics will determine much of who you are.  And many people in the world will be the religion their parents were; will adopt the prevailing social and political views of their immediate culture; and will continue to live in the same country if not the same hometown they were born into.   

But unlike my Titanic obsession that had more to do with the paradoxes of the "gilded age" and factors of causality, the other two historical events were about the suffering of man at the hands of other men.  They were events that could have been avoided but men chose to kill and enslave others.  They were motivated by race and prevailing prejudices and mind sets that justified such horrors afflicted on other men. 

And I realized that despite so many things being predetermined, what makes us who we are, are the choices we make regardless of how closely we follow the script we are handed at birth. What was even more impressive to me was what the afflicted people of the Holocaust and slavery did to live their lives and continue their lives despite the conditions they were forced into or were born into. 

I can determine how I treat others and I can determine how I will deal with how others treat me and continue to be self possessed.

And I had a sense at a young age that I don't have to believe anything my family believes and I don't have to be anyone they want me to be.  I can exist despite my ties at birth.  I decided at a young age not to fully accept anything that was told to me as truth until I had time to decide for myself.  I feel fortunate that I questioned everything even years before I realized I was gay because then I knew it was a proactive choice and not a reaction to the prejudices I encountered once i came out.  I was already going against the grain from the first day I told my mom and my Cuban, Catholic, conservative Republican grandparents when I was 8 that I was voting for Jimmy Carter because he seemed nice and I trusted him. My grandparents laughed adoringly at the nonsense they said was coming out of my mouth.  Future statements and opinions were not met as well.

I made many moves as a young man to set out on my own course, not the least of which was to leave Florida and go to school in Boston and to make my life there.  And up until 1998 I really felt I was setting the course of my life.  And then there were so many things out of my control that hit me like rapid fire.  15 years ago if you had said my mother and grandmother would die in the same year; that my grandfather would take his life ten years later; that I would spend years like a gypsy; that I would get fat or bald; that I wouldn't be dancing; that I wouldn't be married....I wouldn't have believed much less been able to grasp any of it. 

At this moment in time, I feel distant from the kid who thought he could make his own course - the kid who was the first to question and go away to go to college and find his path; the meek kid that no one knew could roar.  So much has happened in the last 15 years that I couldn't expect or couldn't control that part of me stopped course correcting in an almost learned response that my life is just a matter of history....I forgot the history lesson I learned about choices people make in adverse situations. 

This past week I read National Geographic's April 2012 issue covering all things Titanic.  I also read excerpts of personal accounts of Jewish physicians in the ghettos and concentration camps of Nazi occupied Europe and the choices they made daily.  And today is the huge rally for Trayvon Martin whose death proves the racial prejudices that is still our American inheritance.

And I am reminded of what I discovered 35 years ago.... history is mostly a record of what happens to us, mostly out of our control.  But it is still made up of what we choose to do.   We can always make choices.

Prayer

May God comfort and give grace to the troubled mind; the unsheltered head; the worried brow; the hungry mouth; the sick body; the weary soul; the tired feet; the worn out hands; the broken spirit; the lonely heart; the lost voice; the frail resolve; the wayward dream; the meager hope; and the silent prayer.